Polonius writes a report on Hamlet

As senior officer in the state of Denmark, it is my duty to write a report on my encounter with Lord Hamlet. My views are based on the event which took place in the castle, the day I alerted the King about his madness. What I found interesting was that there was a method or a pattern of some sort to young Hamlet's madness. If ever I asked him a question he would answer me oddly. For example, when I told him that I wasn't an "fishmonger" (because he thought I was) he told me that he wished I was "such an honest a man." What does being honest have anything to do with being a fishmonger? Whether I was one or not, it shouldn't determine my honesty or dishonesty. I think that by simply denying that I am a fishmonger is honest enough. He then talked about maggots and how the sun can produce them in dead dogs because their flesh is good enough to deserve kisses from it and in the same sentence he finished by asking me if I had a daughter. After I told him that I did, he urged me not to let her walk in the sun. And before I could make of what he was saying, he mentioned that conception is a blessing and that I should be careful of my daughter because she can conceive. What a bizarre thing of Lord Hamlet to say to a father, not just to me. How can you go from speaking of maggots to talking about conception. Unless, it was his way of letting me know what he thinks about life and death. Conception being viewed as life and maggots relating to death. Perhaps he is trying to say that life is better than death because in it when your're dead (as within dead dogs lying in view of the sun) maggots are produced in the body. It's a good theory to ponder on but what should I make of all of this. I noticed a manuscript in his left hand, when i asked him what he was reading he simply said, "words, words, words" as if not wanting to be bothered about what he may had been reading. If I asked him what was the matter with the subject he was reading, he would answer, "between whom?" After I told him what I was referring to, he began to explain a little bit about the slanders in his story. As he explained, I got the impression as if he was describing me. Very odd of him to say those things but I paid close attention in hopes of understanding. Suddenly he told me that I could grow as old as him if only I could walk backwards as a crab. That's when I knew that there was a genius to his madness. How upsetting this will seem for both the King and Queen to know but it is nessesary for them to know...if sir Hamlet is to be helped.